Heartbroken today.

I’m terrible at relationships.

Can’t sleep or eat. Exhausted. Distracted. Tears behind my eyes all the time. I just want today to end as quickly as possible.

Happy Birthday to me…

…

If only I had the guts to walk into work tomorrow and tell them that I’m done. That I have a better life ahead. That I love life too much to not keep on dying.

If only I had the compassion to be honest with myself and my fiance. To face what is right and what is wrong. To accept the consequences.

If only I had the authority to decide how I’m going to live my life. How I’m going to treat others. How I’m going to make a difference.

If only I had the energy to dig myself out of this hole. This place. This settlement.

If only I loved myself enough to accomplish any of these things.

(P.S. I’ve found the road to happiness..)

I’m not in a good place this morning. Life is hard. Work is crazy. I put in way too many hours and get paid way too little. My relationship is not good right now. I feel trapped. I’m scared. I don’t want to get married feeling this way. Sometimes I like the crazy amounts of stress at work because it makes me forget about the problems in my relationship for a little while.

I just want out. More than anything I want to move to a tiny island by myself and never deal with my old life. Is that weird?

On top of it all, my weight has come back. Every last pound. I worked for two years to get rid of it and it came back in less than six months. I’m so tired.

This life is not the place for me anymore. I need out.

Purpose

-My biggest goal in life is to pursue music.

-I find satisfaction in the feeling that I am doing something meaningful with my time.

-Before I die I want to travel the world.

-I am here because God wants to use me for a special purpose. I just don’t know what it is yet.

-My dream is to someday make a great living doing music.

-I will be ready to die when I don’t have any regrets about missed opportunities.

From my 3/22/11 journal entry… So true.

Meet me on the other side

Meet me on the other side

I’ll see you on the other side

See you on the other side

Honey now if I’m honest

I still don’t know what love is

Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled

And now the floodgates cannot hold

All my sorrow all my rage

A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side

Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention

Was never my intention

To harm you or your kin

Are you so scared to look within

The ghosts are crawling on our skin

We may race and we may run

We’ll not undo what has been done

Or change the moment when it’s gone

Meet me on the other side

Meet me on the other side

I’ll see you on the other side

I’ll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous

To come on all courageous

And offer you my hand

To pull you up on to dry land

When all I got is sinking sand

The trick ain’t worth the time it buys

I’m sick of hearing my own lies

And love’s a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side

Meet me on the other side

I’ll see you on the other side

Honey now if I’m honest

I still don’t know what love is

-David Gray

This can’t be my life. Sitting at a desk all day listening to people complain. Where did I go?

A little piece of me dies every day that I give away my time to nothing. For nothing. For no one.

My days have no purpose; no meaning. I dread each new day more than the last. My hope is that the time ticks by quickly. I’m wishing my life away.

I can’t help but feel like I was meant for more. But my future is slipping away with each day I decide to walk into that horrible place.

My passion is dying. It’s almost gone.

I am an idiot.

I am an idiot.

I am an idiot!